Raising Children after Separation: Some Practical Advice

 

The ' Education is a central theme of each family. It is important for parents to maintain a coherent and shared educational system that helps the child understand how to behave and what is not allowed to do. It is not an easy path, the educational one, and it puts a strain on parents. After a separation, however, this project becomes even thornier. In fact, the education of children after separation takes on considerable complexity and can become a real challenge for parents.

Two houses and two different routines lead parents to no longer share the rules of behavior under one roof. Sometimes, mom and dad can soften on the regulatory aspect. This may be because of the guilt they feel for the decision they have had to make. To avoid other frustrations, therefore, they find themselves putting less rules or not enforcing them adequately. Even the strong emotions that parents experience can divert attention from the educational plan. The presence of strong anger linked to the conflict between the ex-spouses can, for example, make all energies concentrate elsewhere, flying over the education of children after separation.

The risk could be that of disorienting the child, who finds himself no longer having a safe framework in which to move, in which the principles of his education are defined. The education of children after separation becomes, therefore, one of the main themes in the communication between mom and dad who, although they are no longer couples, will always be parents.

EDUCATION OF CHILDREN AFTER SEPARATION: WHAT TO DO?

·         STABILITY. The separation concerns mom and dad. Inevitably, it has repercussions on the whole family system, especially the children. It is important, however, that, although more husband and wife, the parenting couple remains a point of reference. For this reason, the constant presence of both parents in their children's decisions becomes fundamental.

·         COMMUNICATION. It seems trivial to say it, but communication between mom and dad is essential. It is important that parents talk to each other about the educational aspects of their children. Even where the situation is not perfectly peaceful, they must share some fundamental rules that are necessary for the development of children. This does not mean that the education of the parents must be identical: the children, in fact, need parental references that, even with their specificities, maintain a common educational line.

·         SHARING. Although many decisions must be made on the spot, the choices must be shared as much as possible. Taking positions by imposing itself, in fact, risks exacerbating or reactivating conflicts, to the detriment of the child only. Discussing and arguing about children's education is very common, especially after a separation. This, however, moves away from the common goal: the well-being and serenity of the children. Although difficult, putting aside grudges and rivalries is always the best choice.

THE EDUCATION OF CHILDREN AFTER SEPARATION: HOW TO ADDRESS THE SENSES OF Fault

One of the feelings most experienced by separated parents is that of guilt. It may be that the parent who (formally) made the decision to split lives mixed feelings and tends to put aside the regulatory role a little. Sometimes, those who find themselves seeing the child less and being less part of their daily life choose to take on the role of the friend, to try to avoid conflicts and clashes. The situations can be endless.

Education after separation is not easy. Very strong experiences intervene and it is not always easy to understand what to do. After the first period of adjustment, however, it is important to refocus on what are the priorities of the children. Sometimes, a shared path can be a good way to deal with education after separation. To prevent conflicts and clashes from rekindling, a path to support parenting can be an opportunity to communicate functionally on these issues. Also because, it is good to keep in mind, these situations, if prolonged, risk being dangerous. In fact, they risk confusing the child and sucking him into very complex dynamics. This also applies to the adolescent period, where parental reference is essential.

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Covid and Adolescents: What Consequences on a Psychological Level?

The suspended time. These are the words that come to my mind to define the situation that all adolescents and pre-adolescents are experiencing in this period of pandemic. Covid and adolescents, a combination that is too often underestimated. If not, watching any news, to point them out as those who overlook the various restrictions. Like those who do not respect the current regulations put in place for the welfare of the community. Young people who do not give up on aperitifs. Teenagers who "are living on vacation", as some say. But are we sure this is really the case?

COVID AND ADOLESCENTS: WHAT TO THINK ABOUT?

Turning on the television or browsing any social network, you hear about Coronavirus and the effects that this situation is producing at various levels. At the health level, first of all, and at an economic level. Too little importance is given to the effects that the Coronavirus is producing on a psychological level. Both in adults and in children. Furthermore, particular attention should be paid to the relationship between Covid and adolescents: young people, in fact, are facing a global pandemic while they are going through a phase of life that is certainly full of complexity and challenges.

Too little space, therefore, is given to the relationship between Covid and adolescents. There are many questions we should ask ourselves. For example, how are the children experiencing this period of crisis? What are the consequences on children of this period of uncertainty, fear, suffering and death? How do they live the restrictions, the lack of possibility of being able to share their daily life with friends and companions? The typical transgression of this period: how can it be expressed? How can today's teenagers distance themselves from the adult world if they have to do it inside their bedroom? These (and many other) questions we should ask ourselves, as adults, to support the new generations in this time of great crisis.

ANXIETY IS NOT PREPOGATIVE (UNFORTUNATELY) OF THE ADULT WORLD

It seems obvious to say it: even children and young people suffer from anxiety. Nothing could be more wrong to think otherwise. But sadly, there are still those who still believe that children have no reason to experience worry or outright anxiety. Who knows why, then? As if anxiety were the prerogative of the adult world. Unfortunately, however, this is not the case.

The sense of uncertainty to which we are all subjected in these long months, in fact, also affects children and young people. L ' anxiety in adolescents can manifest itself in many different ways. Boys can express it verbally and express concern, along with mental and psychomotor agitation. Other times they can express it through closure and withdrawal. At other times they can show impatience and aggressive behavior. Some guys, on the other hand, can sometime their anxiety by showing general malaise, headache, or stomach ache. Sleep-wake rhythms may alter, appetite may fail or, on the contrary, increase significantly. In short, there are many ways in which children can express their anxiety. And, from what emerges from recent studies, anxiety is a dramatically present element in the relationship between Coved and adolescents.

ADOLESCENTS, BETWEEN AUTONOMY AND DEPENDENCY

Adolescence is, by definition, a complex period. In fact, there are many challenges that young people have to face during this period of life. First of all the physical changes that, starting from puberty, transform the child's body into an adult physicality, through the maturation of the reproductive system and the appearance of secondary sexual characteristics. Along with these, also changes at the cognitive level, with the development of the formal operative stage and of hypothetical deductive thinking. Furthermore, other changes are those that take place on a social level, in which the peer group acquires a central role in the child's life.

The changes that children face are real challenges. In fact, during adolescence, children have to transform their childhood identity into something different, into an adult identity. As you can imagine (and remember) it is not easy. Building your own identity is an ongoing process. It is a recursive path, one of continuous distancing and re-approaching. It is a continuous passage from the world of childhood to that of the adult, through processes of autonomy and dependence. In short, encounters and clashes. The target? Making sense of the question "Who am I?" and find your place in the world.

COVID AND ADOLESCENTS: THE CHALLENGES

Let's try to see together the challenges that adolescents face in order to give meaning and meaning to the question “Who am I?”

L ' IDENTITY   BODY adolescents, which develops from the image body that kids build self-confidence. The body image is a subjective construction, which includes physiological, psychological and social elements. The body image, therefore, is also structured by comparison with others.

L ' IDENTITY STAFF, intended as a definition of themselves. To do this, the growing autonomy with respect to parental figures is fundamental.

L ' IDENTITY OF SEXUAL as multidimensional construct composed of four components: biological sex, gender identity, gender role, and sexual orientation. Another fundamental element, moreover, is the integration between the affective and sexual spheres.

L ' IDENTITY  SOCIAL , that kids build away from the role of child, through the peer group, to find their place in the world.

THE CENTRAL ROLE OF THE EQUAL GROUP

To face the different challenges that adolescence brings with it, therefore, children need to experiment and experiment. It is, in fact, a continuous and recursive process of distancing and rapprochement from the parental figures, in order to achieve an autonomy that is not physical, but also (and above all) psychological. To do this, the role of the peer group is fundamental and, in adolescence, plays a central role in development. The peer group, in fact, represents a real social laboratory where to choose, experiment, experiment and move independently from the adult world. It is central to all the challenges mentioned above. Friends and the target group, therefore, are central to the construction of identity.

What happens, then, if the kids are locked up at home and have no way to meet their peer group? What happens if the school is remote, the training sessions are stopped and the meeting places are closed? These and many other questions we should ask ourselves regarding the relationship between Covid and adolescents.

We do not yet know what consequences the period we are experiencing can bring to the growth and development of adolescents. What we do know about the relationship between Covid and teenagers, however, is that it requires reconsidering how some of the development steps presented above are achieved. In fact, what has worked up to now is no longer possible or, at least, must be transformed.

COVID AND ADOLESCENTS: SOME REFLECTIONS

No, teens are not on vacation. Distance learning is no longer simple because “so much they can copy”. The kids are not happy because they can wake up later and take lessons in their pajamas. Teenagers are finding themselves having to face their growth spurt in a certainly new context, where the encounter with the other, at best, is mediated by a mask. At worst, however, from a screen. Behind social networks or through video calls. Or via online video games.

Fortunately, new technologies make it possible to maintain a concrete interaction, albeit at a distance. This, however, requires a change and a limitation from what was happening before. Some say, however, that the choice to meet behind a monitor existed even before. True. But it was, in fact, a choice. Not a necessity.

We don't know what the consequences of this pandemic will be on children. There is still a lot to understand about the relationship between Covid and adolescents. What needs to be kept in mind, however, is that, as adults, we have a duty to think about this relationship.

Source: CPP30411 Certificate III in Security Operations

Talking About Death to Children: How to Do It?

 

The death of a loved one is the most painful emotional experience human beings have. Unfortunately, it can happen that children experience situations of grief and loss from a very young age. Sometimes it can be the death of their pet, which they are very fond of. Other times, however, it can be the loss of a grandfather, a parent or a person very dear to him. The experience of death, therefore, can affect them very closely. This is why it is essential to understand how to talk to children about death in order to help them in such a painful and heartbreaking moment.

The task of those close to children is extremely complex and delicate. The suffering of children scares us a lot and, often, the tendency is to protect them from that pain. Sometimes, people pretend (as far as possible) that nothing has happened. There is no talk of it, believing, in this way, to alleviate the child's suffering. Furthermore, those who are close to the child and have the precious role of supporting him in such a complex moment are often equally torn by the pain of the loss. This makes everything even more complex and painful. But children need to be able to ask questions. They need to talk, to ask and to share their pain. But how to deal with the situation in the best way?

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT DEATH TO CHILDREN?

It is not easy for adults to talk to children about death, because they too are immersed in pain and suffering. However, it is important to help the children understand what is happening, allowing them to talk about these issues too.

It is necessary to explain to children what happened, adapting to their age and their level of development. Sometimes, for over-  protection, we tend to hide (where possible) what happened, through invented stories of voluntary and temporary expulsion. For example, the grandfather went on a long journey. Or: the aunt will be away for a long time. This is very reassuring to people who have to report the loss to the child, but it can be very misleading and dangerous. The little ones are like sponges and are very receptive to their surroundings. They realize the discrepancy between what is communicated to them and the emotions that circulate in the house. For example, they may wonder why their grandfather left without saying goodbye. Or ask yourself why mum and dad are also very sad, if the uncle has only left for a trip.

In addition, children listen to the speeches of adults and immediately realize that something is wrong. The risk, among other things, is that a sort of taboo is created about what happened and that the children feel obliged not to talk and not to ask questions, so as not to further suffer those around them. The sensitivity of children is often overlooked. Many times, in fact, children do not ask questions for fear of exacerbating the pain of those around them.

It is therefore important, albeit very difficult, to talk about death to children. This even if they are very small. Obviously, adapting to the age and development level of the children. This also helps them in the difficult process of mourning.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT DEATH TO CHILDREN?

There are no right words to say or phrases made in these situations. It is important, however, to convey some important messages about the situation. While some things are particularly difficult to accept, it can be risky to give children false hope. Explaining in a reassuring way, respecting the individuality of the children, becomes fundamental. Speaking in a simple and clear way helps children, but also adults, to begin to elaborate slowly what is happening.

- IRREVERSIBILITY. Although terrible, it is necessary to explain to the children that unfortunately the loved one will no longer be able to be with them, at least in the way he always did. It may always be present, but in a different way. While saying this out loud hurts us, it is very important for the baby. Together, however, with the passage of time, new ways can be found to feel close to the person who has passed away.

- UNINTENTIONALITY. It is good to make it clear that the loved one did not want to abandon the child, unhinging that sense of omnipotence that children tend to attribute to adults. It is difficult to make children understand, especially when they are very young. This, however, is very important. This discourse takes on problematic characteristics, however, when the loved one voluntarily decides to take their own life. If the person took his own life through suicide, the situation is even more complex for the children and, of course, for their family members to deal with. Some reflections on this delicate subject can be found here.

- SENSE OF GUILT. If guilt emerges in the child, it is important to take the time to convey that he has no role in the death of a loved one. If the child does not have thoughts of this type, however, it is good to avoid stimulating fantasies that could further confuse him.

TALK ABOUT DEATH TO CHILDREN TO HELP THEM GIVE MEANING

Children, especially in certain stages of life, ask themselves a thousand questions. They want to know the why of everything around them, to understand the meaning of the world and of life. Usually people close to the child have no difficulty in giving simple answers, but the problem arises when faced with situations where not even we adults know how to give an explanation. The death of a loved one is one of them. We can help the child process what he is experiencing with stories. Talking to children about death helps to slowly transform the tragedy into a story, which can become part of a family belief and take on a very important meaning for the whole family.

SUPPORT FOR PARENTS TO TALK ABOUT DEATH TO CHILDREN

It is not easy to talk to children about death, especially when it involves a loved one. Parents or caregivers are also involved in the excruciating pain of loss. For this reason, meetings aimed at caregivers (who takes care of the child) can be useful, in order to provide emotional support, as well as to get practical indications on how to move. These interviews can be useful to offer a space for personal elaboration to the adult that allows to foster awareness of the child's needs.

Source: Early Childhood Education And Care Certification Melbourne