Often parents and teachers wonder how they can make
themselves heard by children. Many times, in fact, one has the feeling of
speaking in vain. It seems that the children are not listening, not accepting
the indications that are being given to them. How many times does it happen to
say things a hundred times and not get the attention of children? “Clothes
",” Don't beat your brother ", "Put your room in order" are
just some of the phrases that adults find themselves repeating many times a
day, often without success. So how do you make children listen to you? What is
the best way to adopt?
LISTENING TO CHILDREN: IS THIS THE RIGHT QUESTION?
Is it fair to ask how to be heard by children? What do you
really mean by this question? There are several positions regarding the most
effective education system to adopt with children. Some argue that an
authoritarian attitude, based on respect for authority as such, is the right
way to teach children how to behave. In contrast to this educational style we
find permissiveness, in which the child is given full freedom, without offering
him the tools to manage it.
Between these two positions, the authoritative educational
style is that which allows children to grow up calm and balanced. Children need
rules and be guided in growth, providing them with the tools to become free
people, able to reflect and choose for themselves. It is only through an
authoritative attitude, in fact, that children can experience themselves,
regulated by a welcoming but solid context.
Is it right, therefore, to ask yourself how to make children
listen to you? Certainly yes, because it is important to offer children a safe
place to move and experiment, taking their measurements. It is only through
rules, in fact, that children can grow happy and find their own balance. What
can be done as adults, however, is to change perspective in the question.
Often, in fact, it is thought that if the children do not listen to the fault,
it will be their fault. In reality, even if the responsibility for not
listening is obviously theirs, this is of little use to us. What we can do,
however, is to understand how we can modify our behavior to make children
listen to us. The responsibility in fact, education is always in adults. In
fact, it is the adult who must structure the educational environment for that
specific child. The question we can ask ourselves, therefore, is what we adults
can do, to make ourselves heard by children.
HOW TO BE LISTENED TO CHILDREN: SOME PRACTICAL ADVICE
CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS. Sometimes, without realizing it, adults
give confusing instructions. Although they may seem clear to adults, in fact,
they are not. The request must be calibrated to the age of the child, also for
how it is expressed. For example, sometimes saying to a small child in the
morning "Get ready" is not enough: you need to be more concrete and
define the various steps, so that the little one knows for sure how to move.
Even the classic recommendation "Be good" often falls on deaf ears,
because for the child it has too broad a meaning.
ONLY ONCE. Often,
prefiguring the fact that the child will not follow the directions, we tend to
repeat things several times. This habituates children, who expect that they can
eventually obey after the third time. Expressing one's affirmation once only,
on the other hand, helps to pass the message that the indication must be heard
immediately.
ONE REQUEST AT A
TIME. Sometimes the indications given to children are too redundant. When many
requests arise, all together, there is the risk of confusing the children. For
this reason, whenever possible, it is better to give one indication at a time,
without overloading the children with information all together.
MAKE SURE THE CHILD
IS LISTENING. It seems obvious, but if the child is involved in a very pleasant
activity, is in the company of other people or his attention is completely
absorbed by another, it is difficult for him to receive the information that we
are giving him or, at least, the it’s importance. For this reason, before
making a request, it is important to get his attention, asking him to stop his
activity for a moment to dedicate time to what he is about to say.
BE LISTENED TO CHILDREN: IS SCREAMING NEEDED?
Sometimes, we hear that screaming is the only way for
children to listen. It's really like this? Is shouting really effective?
Perhaps, exasperated by the situation, raising your voice is the only way to
make children listen to you. But it is not a good thing to get exasperated to
get what was asked of the child. For this, it is important to make sure not to
scream. The attention of children, in fact, must be caught much earlier.
Children are people: it is important to adopt kind and
courteous ways. This does not mean giving children the opportunity to do what
they want, on the contrary. The rules must be clear and firm. But the way they
are placed can change a lot. The indications that are given to children are for
his own good, so also the way in which they are placed is important that he conveys
this message. Withdrawing used games, for example, is not a punishment: the
child is simply being taught to keep his things and spaces in order. It is an
act of love that the child must learn for himself. Giving indications in a
serene and calm way, often, contrary to what is believed, allows to obtain
greater results.
CANNOT BE LISTENED TO CHILDREN? WHEN TO ACTIVATE
Furthermore, it seems trivial, but it is important to
remember that children are people different from their parents and teachers.
For this reason, it is natural that sometimes they say no or oppose certain
decisions. If in a contained way, these behaviors are indicative of healthy
growth and psychological maturation.
When, however, they are constant and the authoritativeness
of the adult has no influence then, perhaps, it is necessary to understand what
is behind this behavior. It can be a sign of a moment of suffering or unease.
Indeed, the child can adopt an opposing attitude, provoke and try to get the
attention of the adult world. Instead, it can be a particularly complex moment
in family life. In a particularly stressful situation, sometimes, as parents,
it is difficult to maintain a coherent educational system, and the child may
find himself confused in the face of the situation.
It is therefore important to take action to understand how
to deal with the situation. Working in this sense is fundamental. In fact,
dragging the situation too far risks becoming a constant opportunity for
confrontation between the child and the parents, causing stress and suffering
for both, giving life to a self-feeding circle.
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